


Beckett's Gamble

by Taylor Dancinghands (tdancinghands)



Series: Beckett's Rules of Discipline [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Backstory, Episode Related, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 02:11:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tdancinghands/pseuds/Taylor%20Dancinghands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Radek knows that Carson is lonely, but he doesn't know what's keeping him that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beckett's Gamble

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers/Season: Season 1: "Poisoning the Well", "Hot Zone"
> 
> Language/pronunciation notes: For some reason it's become important to me that y'all know how some of the words Radek is saying _sound_. In particular, the word 'pane' -which means 'sir'- has two syllables and is pronounced (more or less) PAN-eh. Also, when we eventually get to it, 'milačku' (in which the 'č' makes a 'ch' sound) is pronounced (again, more or less) MIL-ach-ku.

A lot of people worried about Dr. Carson Beckett after the wrenching tragedy of Hoff, and worried further after the deaths among the science staffs in the nano virus incident. Radek worried more than most, and not just because he'd had a front row seat in the latter catastrophe. A week later he was still having nightmares about it and, disturbingly, they were evenly divided between dreams in which he died and ones in which Rodney did.

Radek worried about Carson, though, because he'd seen how lonely the man was the first time he'd met him, and because by the second time, Radek was already wishing that he might be the one to put an end to it. It was a futile wish, Radek knew, for even if Carson was gay, or at least bi, which did seem distinctly possible, Radek doubted that Carson would be all that interested in the sort of relationship Radek preferred. He did wonder why Carson had never hooked up with anyone yet, as he knew there were any number of people who'd have said 'yes' had Carson asked. Being the head physician on Atlantis, and having many of those people as patients had to complicate things for the doctor though, Radek reflected. He was probably just being cautious.

If it was caution that kept Carson so lonely, well, Radek knew all about that, and knew how it could be ended. Many years ago, Rodney McKay had broken past his cautious habits shortly after he had arrived, chastened and yet still indignant, in Siberia, and he'd broken Radek's loneliness too, to some extent. Radek took it upon himself to do for Carson as Rodney had done for him then: to see to it that he never sat alone in the mess hall, that he ate regularly and had someone to talk to whenever he needed it, and that he knew he had friends. Radek soon discovered that he was not the only one on Atlantis working toward these goals, and it was warming to see how many people cared for the man. It was discoveries like these that gave Radek hope that their little settlement had a future, and a good one at that.

With everyone's busy schedule, however, it was a good thing that so many people had taken an interest in Carson's welfare, for Radek still found himself the only one sharing a table with the doctor on several occasions. Lately though, Radek noticed, Carson seemed alternately distracted and intensely interested in him, as they chatted and ate, and Radek didn't quite know what to make of it. Just now, as Radek held forth on Rodney's latest examples of annoying and petty behaviors, Carson seemed to be hanging on his every word, yet could not meet his eyes. Uncomfortable, finally, with delivering a monologue, Radek trailed to a stop and looked across at Carson, demanding with his gaze that Carson confess the reason for his preoccupation.

"Sorry," Carson said at last. "I know I've been poor company, but there's something... something I think I'd like to ask you, in private."

Radek raised an eyebrow and frowned. Because Carson was a doctor, Radek could not help but entertain, for just a moment, the notion that Carson had some bad medical news to deliver. He dismissed it almost immediately though, as he realized that Carson would handle such a thing far more professionally. This, whatever it was that was weighing on Carson at the moment, was clearly personal.

Having completed his analysis, Radek shrugged. "I will have a little free time when I am done here," he gestured at the remains of his mostly consumed sandwich and salad.

 

"As do I," said Carson, nodding. "There's a nice little balcony on the mezzanine level of the northwest tower, not too far from here," he now suggested. "Will that do?"

Radek nodded. "I know that one," he said. "It is small, and not so much used."

"Aye," Carson nodded, his look pensive, and perhaps a little resigned. "That's the very one."

They finished and left together without further conversation. Radek directed his thoughts away from pointless speculations on what Carson wished to talk about, focusing instead on certain energy consumption issues that had been plaguing his department recently. With his thoughts thus occupied, Radek was almost startled to find himself stepping onto the balcony with Carson after what seemed only moments.

Carson chuckled at his moment of disorientation. "Where were you, then?" he asked.

Radek chuckled in return, shaking his head with chagrin. "Trying to determine way for physicists to run more high energy experiments while retaining enough energy stability for my engineering department, "he replied. "Fascinating for you, I am certain."

"About as fascinating as mouse retroviruses, I'm sure," said Carson with a smile. "We've all got our own... fascinations."

Radek nodded in agreement and stepped forward to lay his hands on the railing, angling his face so that the wind blew his hair out of his eyes. "What is it, then, that you wish to ask me?" he said after a bit.

"Aye," said Carson reluctantly. "Well... before I ask, I want you to know that what I'm asking... it's bloody unprofessional, it is, and if you want to tell me to mind my own damn business, well, you're entitled to and I promise not to take it personally."

Naturally, this only increased Radek's curiosity, but he saw that he'd have to encourage Carson before he'd go on.

"I trust you, Carson," Radek said, because he did, "and I consider you a friend. Ask what you like; I will not take offense."

"You've been a good friend to me as well," Carson replied, and I hope you'll still be when I've done sticking my nose into your personal business. Here it is then."

Carson drew a long breath and turned away to face the sea. "It has to do with something I noticed during your initial intake exam, just before we left for Atlantis. I want you to know, first off, that I made no record of what I saw; there was no need as the marks were faint and mostly healed. But I did recognize... the pattern."

Radek raised his eyebrows, glancing up at the doctor curiously. He knew exactly what it was that Carson had to be referring to, but he could not think why. Surely he dared not hope...

"I recognized them," Carson continued, his gaze still on the distant horizon, "because... well because I've put marks like that on a few backsides myself."

Having nerved himself up to make this confession, Carson still seemed to be having a hard time asking the question that must follow. After a long pause Radek decided to help him out.

"Would you like to put some new marks on my backside yourself, then?" he asked with a coy smile.

Now Carson finally turned back to face him, hope and anxiety both written across his features. "Not unless that's something *you* want, Radek," he insisted, "for you own sake. You needn't be doing me any favors -not of that sort anyhow."

Radek nodded, appreciating the doctor's position. His insistence on clarity at this point was surely a very good indicator that Carson would be a safe, trustworthy top -not that he'd any real doubts about that. Now Radek must demonstrate the equivalent about himself.

"Of course," he said, "I do not allow just anyone to put marks on me. I confess, though, that I have asked myself who, among the relatively small number of people _here_ I might like to take such liberties with me and... well, you are on a very short list, Carson."

It was with real delight that Radek watched the anxiety disappear from Carson's face, to be replaced with a mischievous, toppy half smile.

"Is that a yes or a no then, lad?" he asked sternly, and Radek felt his heart leap in anticipation.

"Ano, I mean, yes," he said, resisting the urge to drop to his knees before Carson then and there. He must not seem _too_ eager, after all.

Carson grinned and Radek knew he was hiding nothing from the man. "What's the first evening you'll be free to come for dinner and stay the night?" he asked.

The whole night? Clearly Carson Beckett wasn't one to do things by halves. It took Radek a moment to recollect his schedule so that he could answer Carson's question. "There's a staff meeting tonight, a long one I am afraid," he said at last, "but tomorrow... tomorrow I think I will be free."

Carson nodded, reaching across to lift Radek's chin so that their eyes met. "That'll do splendidly," he said, releasing him again. "Dinner'll be at seven. Don't be late."

Radek agreed casually as they parted, and swore to himself that the city would be overrun with Wraith _and_ sinking before he was.

*****

The dinner that Carson served was light and satisfying, proving again that the man knew what he was doing. They chatted idly about work at first, and then Carson raised the question of how long Radek had been in 'the scene', and what kinds of things he liked. Radek had discovered his fondness for playing the submissive in collage, only a few years after he'd discovered how much he preferred sex with men. He liked being restrained, he told Carson, and he liked being spanked and flogged and otherwise abused, but he didn't much care for blood or needles. This Carson was pleased to hear.

"I'd play that way if you liked, but I'd just as soon not," he said. "It's a bit too much like my day job, if you get my meaning."

"I do understand," replied Radek. "Is why I do not care for being suspended. I'm sure I would enjoy the experience if only I could ever stop worrying about the structural integrity and the load capacity of whatever is holding my weight, but I cannot."

Carson laughed and pushed his chair back from the table. "We're each too much men of our professions, it would seem," he said. "But we've plenty of ways we might amuse ourselves nonetheless, and I believe it's time to get started on that, aye?"

Radek nodded, mouth suddenly gone dry, and stood as Carson beckoned. "First things first," he said when they were both standing, facing each other in front of Carson's sofa. "Have you a safe word you prefer to use?"

"Entropy," answered Radek, finding his voice at last.

"A physicist's safe word if ever there was one," said Carson with a chuckle. "Anything else you want before we begin?"

Radek nodded, digging into his pocket for the small, extra personal item he'd smuggled in amongst the contents of his shaving kit. He pressed the supple strip of black leather into Carson's hands, suddenly not certain how to ask for what he wanted.

The doctor unbuckled the collar and ran it through his fingers, regarding Radek directly as he did. "D'ye want me to put this on you, then?" he asked. Radek nodded.

"And what, precisely would you have it signify?" Carson asked further.

"Whatever you wish it to," Radek answered at last. "What... what is important to me is that you have placed it there yourself."

"Aye, alright" Carson agreed. "So for now I'll say that when I've placed it on you, you'll do as I say, without complaint, until such time as I take it off myself, or tell you to do so. Is that alright?"

"Ano, pane,"said Radek, aching to feel Carson placing the collar around his neck. "I mean yes... yes sir."

"Is that Czech then?" Carson asked.

Radek nodded. "It is, but I can keep to English if that is what you wish."

Carson chuckled again and there was the slightest hint of menace to it. "I doubt it," he said, "and I don't know what kind of a Top I'd be if I left you in any condition where you were still able to express yourself in a second language."

"Fourth, actually," admitted Radek. "First is Czech, then Russian because it was compulsory in school when I was growing up, then German, then English."

"Well, there you are then," said Carson, shaking his head in astonishment. "There'll be no room in your head for any of that when I've done with you, I should think. You feel free to speak your mother tongue whenever you like, just so long as I eventually find out what you're saying."

Radek smiled a little sheepishly. "Thank you," he said. "You are likely right... and truthfully, I very much hope that you are."

"Well, let's get to it then," said Carson, beckoning Radek to stand before him. He stood up straight, hands behind his back, head lifted slightly, as Carson reached around him to place the collar around Radek's neck, buckling it in place with care. Then he drew one hand back to lay heavily on Radek's shoulder, and lifted the other to take hold of Radek's chin, tilting it up and over so that their eyes met once again. "Now tell me what this means," he commanded.

"I will do as you say, pane," Radek dutifully replied, "without complaint."

"Until?" Carson prompted.

"Until you remove it yourself, or instruct me to do so," said Radek, the snug presence of the collar around his neck, and Carson's gripping his face already working to take him to that special place.

"Very good, lad," said Carson, releasing him. "Now, let's have your clothes off. But take your time about it; I want to enjoy watching you."

Heart racing with anticipation, Radek stopped himself from tearing his clothes off in unseemly haste, and considered for a moment. Then he began by removing his glasses and presenting them to Carson.

The doctor accepted them, nodding in approval, and placed them on a nearby shelf, then gestured for Radek to continue. Radek didn't think that Carson was looking for a proper striptease, and any attempt at this that Radek might make would likely leave than man laughing rather than aroused. Instead, Radek undressed himself in a leisurely fashion, lifting his shirt away as gracefully as he could manage and laying it casually on the arm of the sofa, and pausing when he had done to smooth his hair back with both hands. Feeling himself getting into the spirit of things, Radek continued the gesture, running his hands down his torso and closing his eyes to focus on the sensation of his fingers passing over his nipples.

He drew a long breath as he did so and heard the sound echoed in the man before him. Opening his eyes, Radek found Carson smiling with appreciation, encouraging him to carry on.

Pausing a moment before making his next move, Radek dropped gently to one knee to remove first one shoe (and its sock) and then the other. These he placed neatly under the coffee table and then he stood, wiggling his now naked toes playfully. Next he unfastened the belt and top button on his trousers, but not the zipper, allowing them to slip down and hang low on his hips, revealing that he did not have any other garments to remove.

Carson raised his eyebrows at the sight and Radek shrugged and smiled. He'd known what was planned for the evening, after all, so why bother? Now Radek lowered the zipper part way, so that his pants slipped slowly over his ass and then dropped to pool around his feet. He stepped free, feeling his half hard cock bob and sway as he moved, then turned a bit before he bent to pick them up, so that Carson would get a good look at his backside.

Radek had always found his own ass to be a bit on the bony side, but he heard Carson make an appreciative noise as he leaned over and a moment later he felt Carson's warm hand, caressing and then grasping one cheek possessively.

"Very nice," he murmured as Radek straightened to lay his pants with his shirt, over the sofa arm. Carson retained his grip on Radek's right buttock until he was done, then pulled him back and reached around to take hold of the other one, pressing Radek's naked body against his clothed one. Radek reveled in the sensation, feeling himself go from half hard to achingly rigid, and feeling Carson's cock respond similarly through his slacks. Daring, he reached out to wrap his arms around Carson's waist, pulling them both closer still, and lay his head against Carson's broad shoulder. With a blissful sigh Radek closed his eyes once more and felt himself relax against Carson's body. After a moment he felt Carson's lips pressing against his forehead and Radek, in turn, found himself lifting his head to nuzzle at the base of Carson's throat.

As though drawn by gravity, they both found their lips coming together, at first just to touch lightly, and then mouths open to devour one another with astonished passion. When they finally drew apart Carson was holding Radek's face between his hands and Radek's fingers were desperately grasping at Carson's shirt. Both were breathing hard and Radek thought that Carson must be in some discomfort, the way the front of his pants were tenting out. He followed Radek's gaze to that spot and nodded.

"Aye, I think we'd best do something about that," he said. "Down you go, lad."

"Ježiši, ano," Radek murmured, dropping to his knees in gratitude, then remembering to translate, muttered , "god... it means 'god, yes'."

"I might have guessed," Carson chuckled as Radek's nimble fingers went to work unfastening his trousers. His chuckles turned to gasps as his cock sprang free and Radek caressed it ever so gently, sighing with delight as he brushed his lips along its length.

He held off as long as he could, but after only a few moments Radek found himself devouring Carson's deliciously substantial cock like a starving man at a feast. Indeed, Carson's cock was a veritable feast to him, dark with arousal and tasting of things Radek had longed for and gone wanting for some time. He cherished the way it filled his mouth, pushing it deep into his throat until tears sprang to his eyes, and he did not care.

He heard Carson groan as he engulfed the length of his cock and when he felt Carson's hands clutching at his head, Radek answered him similarly.

"Oh god... oh love... so good," Carson moaned. "Now, hands... hands behind your back.... oh that's bloody brilliant..."

It took Radek a moment to realize what he'd been asked, but then he complied promptly, removing his hands from Carson's hips and clasping them, one in the other over the small of his back. Slowly, masterfully, Carson fucked his face and Radek knew unparalleled bliss. As far as Radek was concerned he could have gone on in this manner for hours, but Carson, naturally, could not. Radek surprised himself with the bereft sound he made when Carson pulled himself away, but then Carson was stroking his fingers through Radek's hair, comforting him with promises of more to come.

"There'll be more treats for you, lad, make no mistake," said Carson, "but I'm inclined to hand out a bit of punishment before we get to that, I think."

"Ano," replied Radek, lifting his head briskly. "Ano, pane."

"Well up you go then," said Carson with a hungry grin. "It's time to give your knees a rest and abuse some of your other parts."

Radek grinned back as Carson helped him to his feet and lead him to the bed, settling him there on his hands and knees.

"So many toys I wish I had now," said Carson wistfully as he stepped away from the bed to remove his own clothing. "I'm sure I'll be able to get any kind of rope or leather restraints I want from the Athosians, but how will I be able to explain about nipple clamps, or floggers or dildoes for that matter?" Radek smiled to see Carson's solid frame revealed as he shrugged out of his shirt and stepped out of his trousers, his cock still proudly erect and glistening with Radek's spit.

"So we'll have to improvise for a bit," he continued, "and hope that they're not too vigilant about their equipment inventory in the kitchen." So saying, Carson produced a flat wooden spatula from his dresser top, smacking it against his hand a few times.

Radek closed his eyes, his own cock surging in anticipation. He flinched a bit when he felt Carson lay a gentle hand on his ass, caressing it fondly. Carson laughed, a promise of menace in it.

"But first you'll tell me what it is that you're to be punished for," he said. "I always insist on it."

"Ano, pane," Radek murmured, knowing that only doing as Carson demanded would bring him the deep release he craved, but dreading it nonetheless.

"What's that lad?" Carson prodded. "You'll need to speak a bit louder."

"Ano, pane," Radek complied with a sigh. "I must be punished for... for insubordination..." Radek could hear Carson stifling a chuckle, but he did not object. "...for incompetence..."

"How's that, then?" Carson interrupted.

"We are none of us competent to run this city," Radek confessed with resignation. "Others look to me for answers but I know hardly any more than anyone else."

"Aye, all right," Carson conceded. "What else?"

"Maintaining unauthorized distillery in off-limits portion of southeast pier and not telling Elizabeth... or you."

"Aye, I suppose that's worth a lick or two," agreed Carson, "though I hope you realize that I've known about it nearly from the start."

"I had a feeling," said Radek with a little smile.

"Anything else?" Carson asked.

"Only..." Radek struggled for a moment, part of him wanting to let this lie, another knowing that it would not remain quiet in him forever, as much as he wished it would, and that it would be better to share this with Carson now. "Only... sins of my past."

"And what would those be?" Carson asked after a pause.

"If... if you will ask me later, I promise to explain," said Radek reluctantly, "but the story is long and I would rather not tell it now, prosim... please pane."

"Aye..." Carson said at last, "this once. But you'll tell me before the night is over. I'll not let it slide."

"Ano, I understand," said Radek. "Prosím, pane, I am ready to be punished."

"Aye, I think you are," said Carson. "Arse in the air, lad. We'll do this properly."

Radek complied, parting his knees and lowering his head. He tried to ready himself for the first blow, but failed, of course, because Carson really was a very skillful top. The wooden spatula stung where it struck and returned to sting again before Radek could ready himself.

"This is for your insubordination, and for hubris, thinkin' you were like to master this city." The blows continued, unrelenting and the many sharp stings began to build to a fiery crescendo on his ass. Radek was hardly aware that he was whimpering until the sound of his own voice surprised him. He was almost wailing when Carson finally relented, laying the fiendish kitchen implement aside to gently caress Radek's burning ass with hands that, though they had seemed quite warm before, now felt pleasantly cool on his skin.

Radek moaned and leaned into the touch, forgetting himself and the very punishment he had asked for. The sudden smack on his tender behind from Carson's hard hand caught him completely unaware, and he yelped with shock and surprise.

"Forgot about the rest, didn't you, lad?" Carson reminded him with another hard blow. "This is for keeping things back from those as ought to know."

"Ano, pane," Radek cried as Carson's hand struck him again and again. Now Radek's whole body shuddered with each blow and he began to cry out loudly every time Carson's hand connected with his ass. He did not realize that there were tears on his face until the spanking stopped and Carson was kissing the tears away, soothing Radek with gentle words and touches.

"Hush now lad, hush," Carson murmured. "It's all done now and you've taken your licks quite well. You'll have a treat now, just as I promised."

"Thank you pane," Radek sighed, feeling more relaxed and generally blissed out than he had in ages.

"Now how long has it been since your arse had a good fucking?" Carson asked, trailing a spit slicked finger down the crack of Radek's.

"Since the last time I was marked, I am afraid," said Radek, gasping as Carson fingered his opening.

"Aye, I thought as much," said Carson, even as he reached across to take up a small bottle of lube, dribbling some of its contents onto his fingers. "Well, we'll work on that then," he said, returning his now slippery fingers to Radek's entrance, pressing one inside.

"Ah, you are tight," Carson said, moving his finger in and out of him as he lifted Radek's face with his free hand to kiss his lips. "We'll get there soon enough, but for tonight let's just finish what you started earlier. That'll do very nicely, I think."

"Prosím, prosím, pane" Radek moaned, craving the taste and feel of Carson's cock in his mouth again.

"I didn't think you'd be disappointed," said Carson, slipping his finger free and then climbing up to kneel on the bed before Radek, his cock dark and weeping at Radek's lips. With a grateful sigh, Radek lowered his mouth over Carson's flesh, taking it as deep as he could and thrilling to hear Carson's groan of pleasure. Knowing that he would get to finish him off this time, Radek gave the effort his all, easily losing himself in the task of pleasuring his top.

As before, Radek did not have the use of his hands and so Carson controlled how fast and how deep he fucked Radek's mouth. Radek need only open his throat and let Carson take what he wanted. Before long Carson was gasping in ecstasy, murmuring praises for Radek as he approached his climax.

"Fuck... fuck your mouth is so hot... so bloody hot," Radek heard him say as Carson's fingers fisted in his hair. "Going to come... come down your throat... just like you want... just... oh, god..." And then he was and Radek was tasting him, feeling Carson's cock throb and pulse with release in his mouth.

After a moment or two Carson's grip on his hair loosened and he drew back, still breathing heavily, to collapse back on the bed. Radek remained on his hands and knees, letting his head hang down between his shoulders, utterly relaxed and content. When he had recovered somewhat, Carson reached out to gather Radek in his arms, kissing him deeply and sharing the taste of his own cum. He lay back then and pulled Radek with him, so that his back was pressed against Carson's chest. One hand wrapped around him to gently stroke his cock, and the other reached between his legs with two freshly slicked fingers, to enter him again.

Now Radek was both held and pleasured and he cried out at the sensation of Carson's knowing fingers moving inside him to caress the very spot that sent wave after wave of bliss through his body. Within mere minutes he was writhing, helpless with ecstasy in Carson's arms, and very soon after that was he coming, incredibly hard, and Carson held him tight throughout.

He did not relax his embrace as he lay back on the bed, kissing Radek's face gently and crooning soft comforts as Radek's body shuddered out the last of his release. They lay in quiet, sated contentment for a spell, and then Carson lifted his hand to brush a lock of straying hair out of Radek's eyes and Radek at last found the volition to lift his head and kiss Carson's palm.

"Děkuju... thank you, pane," he murmured, lifting his own hand to lay on Carson's, where it lay over Radek's heart.

"You're more than welcome lad," Carson said, and Radek could hear the smile in his voice. "But now you've a tale to tell me, aye?"

Radek sighed deeply, acknowledging his promise, but feeling his mood darken at the prospect of visiting this part of his past. "Ano," he said, comforted to feel Carson's arms pull him close again as he wrapped his own over Carson's. "I know."

Radek drew another long breath, gathering his thoughts and unhappy memories. "We had been over thirty years under the Totality -communist rule in Czechoslovakia, when I entered university," he began. "Most of us... we had no hope that it would ever be different." He shook his head with chagrin over how history had made fools -albeit happy fools- of them all. 

"My parents could see that I would benefit from best education, and to assure that I would get this, they joined the KSČ, the Czechoslovak communist party... which they since tell me they have always regretted. All I cared then was that I would get to go to best university.... would have access to programs and faculty I desired most. I thought nothing of joining youth branch of KSČ, except that it would get me better access still. I knew that I was smart and I wanted to be noticed, and so I was."

Radek's sigh was filled with regret but then he felt Carson's lips on his cheek, encouraging and forgiving. "Now that's no more than a natural thing for a bright young man," he said. 

"Ano," Radek agreed sorrowfully, "and yet how easily such a natural impulse may be turned to unnatural ends. I paid no attention to the... sorts of men who took an interest in me in those days. Only that they were important in the party, or in the military. No one else could arrange the things that mattered to me then, and so that was all that mattered to me. They told me that I was important, and that I would do important things, and I let all of it go to my head."

Radek hated remembering those time, and how thoughtless and easily flattered he'd been. His parents had even worried, though they'd known nothing about the work that he'd eventually come to do, they'd known something wasn't right, even when Radek did not. Still, Carson's presence was a steadfast reminder that he'd earned his forgiveness, for now at least, and so he continued.

"When I was given posting I looked only to see if it was advanced enough, if work would be challenging enough for me, and in this I was never disappointed. In turn, those who supported me were never disappointed either. Before long I was highly desired in most important postings, and of course, in those days, most important work for brilliant young engineer in Soviet sphere was in weapons labs."

"Ah, love..." said Carson, nothing but sorrow in his voice, with no trace of the disappointment Radek so dreaded.

"I was very good," Radek began, revealing the ugly truth at the heart of his confession, little more than whispering the words. "I significantly improved yield and efficiency in Soviet nuclear arsenal, and then... and then they moved me on to other labs where... where I improved effective range and potency of many different chemical and... and biological weapons... and for so long I thought nothing... nothing of this."

And yet Carson's arms continued to enclose him and his kisses still fell tenderly on the back of his neck and shoulder and Radek focused his attention on these things and away from the shame that ate at him whenever he recalled this part of his past.

"Eventually," he went on after a bit, "it dawned on me... what it was that I was doing, and then I had to keep silent and pretend... that my heart had not changed and that I only had... personality issues with someone in my lab. In this way I was able to get new posting in Tunguska, where Soviet 'Area 51' was located. I swore on my life that I would never do such work again... but it haunts me. I think it always will."

"Aye," said Carson softly after a moment. "I can see why it might, though it seems to me that a similar fate might have befallen any of us, if we'd grown up in such a place."

"This I cannot speak to," said Radek. "I only know that this... I think it will be with me for all of my days."

"Well, now you know, any time you need relief, you must come to me," Carson said. "No questions asked, lad."

"Thank you, pane," Radek sighed, relaxing against Carson's body once again, "but it must run both ways. If ever you have a need for yourself, you must find me, yes?"

"Aye, I will." Radek could feel Carson's smile at the back of his neck. "And ye've already done me a power of good, make no mistake."

"I am glad," said Radek with an enormous yawn, feeling a comfortable fatigue settling in at last.

Carson chuckled. "Aye, I'm fair knackered myself, but we'll need to be _under_ the covers first, love."

Radek complained halfheartedly, but stirred himself sufficiently to accomplish this, and before long he was completely ensconced in Carson's arms again. It was no time at all before he was sound asleep.

***


End file.
